First to arrive for New Hire Orientation, I feel the existential panic of “Did I make the right decision?” Calmed by the kind, welcoming smile of the school receptionist, I walk into the spacious cafeteria and sit close to a mural of gorgeous student faces, different races exploring rivers, trees, flowers, and buildings painted with red and teal and a bit of green and yellow.  As an elementary school kid in this district, I painted my grandmother into a mural.  As a mom, I get to paint myself into the school system, finding harmony with the colors and culture around me both as a parent and now as a teacher.  Here are the strokes that brought me to this day.

1. Whatcha gonna do now?

When I left teaching in my 20s, I really thought I’d never go back to the classroom.  Corps members, remember the intensity of Teach for America?  But when I thought about what job to pursue now, suddenly I felt excited about teaching again.  Maybe it’s the fact that I have three kids of my own now.  Maybe it’s because I’m not here to save to world. I don’t feel that pressure that I put on myself earlier.  I am here to do the best job I can, ask others for advice, and learn from every day.  Growth mindset in teaching.

2. Finding Caregiver for Kids

My “going back to work” painting took a lot of planning and support from family and friends (and Gilberts, you coached me to this day).  Through Care.com, I found a fantastic child care provider and fellow mom to watch my littlest person so that I could study for and take my teacher licensing exams in peace.

3. Practice Makes Perfect

Before I could start teaching, I had to remind myself of teaching philosophy and techniques. To transfer my license to this state, I had to take Praxis exams as well as a test that confirms that I can read and write (not kidding).  I took practice tests until I felt ready for the English and ESL exams.  After passing the actual tests and submitting my paperwork for the teaching license, I started applying for jobs online. I didn’t think to refresh my interview skills.  Thankfully, my first lesson and interview was at my former high school.  What a great place to fail (not fail, but get a solid C) as I remembered, oh, yes, this is what it feels like to lesson plan.  This is what it feels like to execute the plan.  This is what it feels like to reflect and work on the areas for improvement.  This is what it feels like to ponder the interview questions and say “music motif in The Pearl” 28 times and then go home, do a lot of research, and practice interviewing with friends and family.  I shared a laugh with my former teacher, enjoyed a mock interview with my good friend while I watched my kids play at the pool, tried a few of my responses on my daughter, and wrote down notes after bedtime.

4. Taking the Transition Step of Part-Time Work

I am so grateful to my high school for giving me the chance to practice teaching and interviewing and for the reality check.  The experience inspired me to prepare much more thoroughly and then have the confidence to walk into another school and drop off my resume. A week after my first interview, I got a part-time job at a public middle school taking over an 8^th grade language arts class for the rest of the year (be careful what you wish for, people, because God may bring it into fruition sooner than you expect!).  A chance to get a current reference who sees how hard I can work for the students.

5. Actually Working Outside the Home

There is a lot of irony in me going back to middle school.  My most memorable English teacher there taught me about the Whitbread Race (now the Volvo Ocean Race).  In class, I learned about this intense round-the-world yacht race and that my mock Whitbread racing partner was an excellent human being.  I also remember reading Shakespeare out loud while wearing costumes.  That’s all I remember from middle school English (okay, I also remember dissecting sentences in 6^th grade as well as reading Call of the Wild in 7^th grade).  I enjoyed my classes, but maybe I secretly wished I had learned more (which is on me, I realize).   And here I was, finishing my own round-the-world race to come back to my old middle school.  And the prize—teaching 8^th grade English.

• Lesson Planning

Truthfully, my biggest fear was classroom management in the fidget spinner jungle.  The kids have taken their standardized tests for English.  They are done with school.  Their teacher leaves.  Here comes a teacher they have never seen before who actually expects them to work and then present their work in front of the entire class.

I heard a lot of “Ms. Y never made us do that!” I saw those devil-may-care stares and suddenly, all that Teach for America prep came rushing back (thank you, TFA!).  I backward planned the last three weeks of school.  I passed out a calendar syllabus with the condensed lesson plan and assignments due for each day.  The students knew the plan for each period and the end goal—book projects presented in front of the class.  To get there, we had multiple rounds of literature circles, prewriting, first drafts, editing, and final drafts.  The previous teacher told me to do lit circles and I said, “Okay” knowing that I had never done lit circles in my entire life.  Cue lots of videos of lit circles done well.   Also, reading the books because Boy21 was as new to me as it was to the students.

• Homer Simpson

The first week, all I wanted to do was sleep.  I was like a real life version of the cartoon parent who just wants to plop in front of the TV after a long day at work (or in my case, a short part-time day at work).  Not only that, I got sick (hello germs from a lot of kids new to me).  But I knew those students weren’t going to take me down so easily.  With the help of rest and tea, I rallied. “Huzzah, suckers! Those book projects are still due!”

• Baby Elephant in the Room

And let’s address the elephant in the room—I wanted to be just as loving a mom as before.  I think that’s partly why I got sick.  Because I was still trying to do everything each day that I used to do when I wasn’t working outside the home.  It was too much.  For example, I couldn’t wash, fold, and put away laundry every day.  I mean, forgetaboutit.  Literally.  When I just couldn’t read out loud anymore, I put on an audiobook for the kids.  My meal planning turned into a lot pasta with vegetables and chicken nuggets. I still made some solid Epicurious meals, but basically, were the kids fed?  All right then.  Was I as present to them as I was when I wasn’t working?  No.  Of course I wasn’t.  But I was happy and excited to tell them about my day.  I felt different.  More of myself, except a more tired version of myself.  I loved them just as much.  I wanted them to know that I’m trying my best and trying to get better every day.  I reflected on my classes with them and they had some good suggestions.  Do I wish I was in my picture perfect world of yesterday?  Sure.  But why not just try my best and not worry.  Trying to be kind to my kids and kind to myself.  I get overwhelmed by nature, so it’s especially important for me to slow down with the kids, count our blessings, think about what we accomplished, and focus on the small, concrete steps to move forward.

• Kindness Journals

What powered me through the teaching experience itself was our daily kindness journals (and the fact that all the lit circle books had to do with the healing power of kindness).  All the brainchild of the previous awesome teacher.  She hadn’t done kindness journals before but thought they’d be a great idea. And they were.  We wrote down something kind we saw someone else do, something kind we did, or something kind we wish we had done.  These journals centered the class in the beginning of the period and took us straight into SSR and lit circle role sheets.

• Classroom management

For classroom management, I proactively talked to my absolutely brilliant and funny T.A. (yes, I had a T.A. Thank you, Jesus) and caring principal to get more tools and also used as many strategies as I could. I’m wiser in knowing how much I still don’t know. I’m not afraid to ask for help.  I think when I did TFA I felt like I had to show how much I knew.  In reality, I knew so little.  Now, I know more and I also feel no shame in proactively asking for help.  I want to do the best job I can for the students.  I know I have a lot to learn.  But I will, day by day.

For now, in addition to making sure my lessons were as engaging as possible (think Sojourner Truth, Lincoln, and Obama), I ended up having to assign seats.  I hated doing that because as I student, I loved being able to sit wherever I wanted.  However, I knew assigning seats was necessary for the kids to get work done.  I also had to send a student to the time out room.  I dreaded doing it because this kid is SO talented.  I wish he would just write his poems instead of squirting hand sanitizer on other kids. I genuinely missed him in class, but it had to be done to send a message to the rest of the class.

The reality was that these kids were so much more gifted than I had ever imagined.  Their creativity and insight thrilled me.  Even the student that refused to express gratitude for anything showed a lot of promise in the other comments he made.  A student that was scared to present publically had a miracle worker of a ED specialist and after engaging with her, he actually volunteered to present! Great job!

I know each and every one of the students can excel in high school and beyond.  Not just survive, but thrive.

6. Finishing the Job

So, yes, it was really hard to leave this school on the last day (especially since applying to other jobs highlighted how much I wanted to stay).  Pathetic, I know.  I literally waited until the last hour to turn in my computer to the library.  The librarian told me that she was impressed that I was actually still reading to my students the last week of school.  I told her how much they hated me when they realized that I still had assigned seats on the last week of class and wanted them to write their personal mission statements. That last week, we talked about how to find a college that fit them and backward plan their high school years to position themselves for college acceptance.  Trying to put my college admission counselor experience to good use!  God bless those kids.

7. Interviewing and Getting the Full-Time Position

The last day of school, when I was sad and missing my students, I got a call for an interview that following Monday.  I enjoyed the panel interview and its questions.  I was more prepared than ever and even brought some of the outstanding book projects with me. I answered each question with concrete strategies I had used (or read about ;o).  When one of the interviewers told me that teachers there are not into “saving students,” I wanted to say, girl, you said it.  Let me tell you that I’m here to empower and educate so that students can save themselves.   So they can write their own story.  It’s not mine to write.  How much more deeply do I know the truth of that now.  A principal told me about how students in her school set their own goals and track their own progress.  I thought, more power to them.  Let people take ownership of their education. Of themselves.  I swear I felt more empowered just by that interview.

But I still felt down about my part-time job coming to an end, especially with no English openings at this school for next year. In addition to phenomenal students, this school has an absolutely amazing principal who knows every student by name and a dedicated, knowledgeable staff (like Luis and Ana during my time in Houston). I know that kind of administration is crucial to having a successful year as a teacher.

Feeling sad, I reached out to a fellow teacher for support.  She was very encouraging and calmed me down (“Still a lot of time before August”). I told her the interview process and not getting the job I wanted made me feel like ground meat.  Like painting one of Rothko’s later works instead of Claude Monet’s serene bridge. Like being in a mind-boggling M. C. Escher painting. I felt better after expressing the disappointment and frustration inherent in the process that’s all about patience and perseverance and believing in yourself.  Never giving up.

It’s true that it’s darkest before the breathtaking dawn because the next day, I got the full-time teaching job!  Your prayers are powerful because this August, I get to be a full-time ESL teacher for TWO schools (God help me!).

So that’s how I got to fill out orientations forms.  Thank you for your prayers and support.  Any and all advice welcome, ladies and gentlemen.  I want to set goals and track my progress. And I want to paint with all the colors, putting all of my knowledge and heart into my work.

peace and love,

Elena