Pregnancy can be a rhythm and blues song: soulful, painful, and moving. A baby is growing inside of you. There is the pain, the fear, and also the freedom, the jazz, the excitement of it all. You may feel the thrill of hope for the future, the warmth of love between you and your significant other, the beauty and the magic of bringing life into the world. And you may also feel the keen disappointment in society, in your partner, in yourself as you try to be calm and collected when on a hormonal wild ride. You want to comfort yourself, but that comfort is fleeting. You want to stay grounded, but then you throw up. You feel things deeply, which means things that hurt, hurt more. Things that incite joy, incite it to a higher level. The pleasure and the pain, you feel it all. And in the midst of it, there is humor. Because when everything feels so intense and you feel like a big, sassy version of yourself, why not be that person you’ve always wanted to be? The one who feels things deeply, sings from her heart, and always dances to the rhythm? She is hurting, but she ain’t broken. There is strength in an R&B song. The strength of Whitney, Aretha, and Adele. There is strength in you, a strength that comes from truth, humor, and hope.
1. Many people think they don’t need a nutritionist degree to tell you what to eat.
When you are in your rhythm and blues state, you may find that your response to people may differ from your usual demeanor, especially when you feel annoyed. I remember being eight months pregnant with my third child. Most of the time, I was taking care of my little people. Going out without kids was a very rare and much-appreciated occurrence. All week, I had been looking forward to seeing my friend Sarah and going to cafe. After I ordered a Strawberry Romanoff, the cashier looked at me very seriously and said, “Ma’am, do you know there is alcohol in it?” Now, I knew that the cashier was protecting the company, but in reality, the thimble-sized amount of brandy was just what the doctor ordered for me in that moment. I later found a recipe for something very similar, and can you guess how much brandy was in it? An overflowing tablespoon. When I was pregnant, I told myself—One of these days, I will walk into La Madeleine and demand the sauce with no apology. I will then eat it very, very slowly, savoring every delicious drip of my brandy-laden delicacy, and laugh maniacally as I look at the guy who denied it to me in the first place. This dipped strawberry is for you, buddy!
Another time, I was in grocery store grabbing lunch after tutoring for three hours. I felt tired, and the little iced coffee beckoned. As I was about to pay for it, the cashier pointed to my caffeinated beverage and said, “Is that for you?” No, babe, it’s for the pregnant lady behind me. “Yes, and that’s why I also have these two bottles of water.” Really, do I need to explain to her? She then went on to say that she just found out she is pregnant and her friend told her she can’t have any coffee. Well, let me buy you one, honey.
2. People will tell you to stay home and take it easy.
This is a hard one because in reality, you should take it easy. However, the key is that you listen to your body (and your doctor) and make that choice. When I was pregnant the first time, I remember sitting in a graduate school class and during a break, telling a friend that I really want to go dancing. She looked at me like I was meshugene, and said, “Are you sure you should be dancing?” For heaven’s sake, I’m not talking about dancing at a club with Usher. Sometimes, a girl just wants to shake it off. So, I did, in the privacy of my own house. Another friend told me that when she was pregnant with her first, she wanted to dance at a hipster club. Her husband was extremely worried and tried to protect her belly while she danced, so they had to go home pretty soon after getting there. I appreciated that another pregnant woman had the same desire. I really wish that somebody would make a pregnancy remix and feature a video of a bunch of pregnant woman all losing themselves in the beat together, looking gorgeous. You could Bring Sexy Back, be All About That Bass, and Bailando all while belly-dancing and preparing your body for labor.
3. Your husband is pregnant, too.
I used to smile when I heard “We are pregnant.” Really? Both of you are pregnant? But now I get it. He has his own R&B song. Yes, I am carrying the baby, feeling nauseated, tired, restless, emotional, and claustrophobic in every sense of the word. It is true that I am going to be in labor, and that it’s going to be tough. But he is emotional, too. He is worried, too. Maybe about different aspects or consequences of having three kids, such as paying for them, but he does carry a burden as well as the joyful anticipation. He needs my support, too. And I am happy to give it.
I am happy to give it because I know what it’s like to walk down the street with a belly and no ring. I know what it’s like to worry about health insurance, and that’s just the beginning. I know what it’s like to have to hold your chin up when your heart feels the squeeze. I’ve sang that song, man, with all that pain and the empowerment and the kick in the gut. So, I appreciate this man. I appreciate him with all his weaknesses, because we are in it together this time.
4. Take time to dream
Literally. Like, go to sleep. There’s no shame in listening to your body. Encouraging people around you and doing your work plus your body doing the work of making a baby–that’s a lot! Your body needs to rest.
5. Use your pregnancy time to be creative.
Now I’m talking about dreaming big dreams while your eyes have rested and you’ve got a song in your heart. I’ve found that when I’ve been pregnant, I’ve also felt inspired. There is magic pulsing through your veins. God is using you to bring a miracle. During the other two pregnancies, I was in grad school and/or working. And during my third one, I wrote more, feeling pregnant with ideas. I’ve learned it’s vital to take time before the birth to express yourself. Soon, all you’ll be expressing is milk and frustration (I’m kidding, partially). Whether you are putting your spin on that project at work, decorating the nursery, making a Shutterfly photo book, cooking, or writing your memoir, take time to be creative. You’ll feel better about yourself, and my grandma used to say that when you feel good, the baby feels good.
In any case, what a blessing to be pregnant, what a gift, and what a special time to be true to yourself as well as taking care of your baby. May you have peace, joy, and patience on this journey. May you sing, loud and proud, about the rhythm and the blues of bringing life into this world.
6. That’s nice, but I would love to get a little more information about my pregnancy, labor, delivery, and childcare.
Know that every pregnancy/birth/childcare book has its own tone. If you are reading one and start to feel overwhelmed and discouraged, try a different author. Some books are written in a colder, more purely scientific way, and certain people like that. I like Dr. Spock’s Baby and Child Care. Of course everyone reads What to Expect When You’re Expecting, and I found that helpful and very informative without being cold. But to calm myself down, I turn to Spock.
7. Have a birth plan but don’t tie your heart to it.
For my first delivery, I had a very detailed birth plan in a convenient matrix format that included everything from “I would prefer to avoid Pitocin” to “I would prefer for Vitamin K to be given orally.” The whole idea was to have a natural birth (cue emergency C-section). My doula actually had had a C-section herself, and when I decided to go that route based on my doctor’s advice, we both felt at peace about it. However, I had also been through a very, very long labor and I really thought at one point that I was going to die. I felt so disappointed not to be holding my baby yet. But when I saw my daughter being lifted up from my belly, it felt like God’s light was on her and I was so full of joy. It was just as beautiful as I imagined. And she is still the most beautiful girl in the world to me.
8. With my second pregnancy, my one-sentence plan was “Let’s try natural birth.”
Let’s just try it. Wisdom from experience. In order to position myself for success, I did more research. I found a very supportive VBAC doctor, to whom I am so thankful. Whereas I was so excited to use a birth stool for my first birth and then wanted to throw it across the room, with my second labor I decided to go with what I know works for me. I labored in a bath tub. I had heard that water is a natural epidural, and I got to 10cm surprisingly quickly. I enlisted the most helpful people I knew–my sister and my husband. Pushing for so long really taxed me. I had to learn how to do it right. I was so set on breathing when I pushed (every natural birth book I read told me to do that), it took me a very long time to come to terms with the fact that I had to hold my breath to get anything done. I tenaciously pushed for multiple hours. The most exciting words were “Prepare the nursery!” Soon, I was holding my baby! And I was in a lot of pain, so it wasn’t like it was ecstasy. There are people that call natural birth ecstatic. As a former ESL student used to say with a smirk, “Good forrrr them!” As far as I am concerned, I was just so happy to be done and see our baby. And to know that I did it. Natural birth, baby. It’s so hard but when it happens, it feels like an accomplishment. The little guy’s head was literally smaller than my daughter’s and I had the support I needed. So we did it! I did it! With my third one, I was open to trying hard again and seeing what happens. The most important things are healthy mom, healthy baby. That’s it.
9. Nurse like you are running a marathon.
What some people do not realize is that nursing doesn’t just magically happen. I was lucky at the hospital where I delivered my daughter to have a fantastic lactation consultant. We even used a hospital-grade electric pump to get the party started. I talked to my mom, called a wonderful La Leche league member, and read several books on nursing, such as The Nursing Mother’s Companion. I realize that with some mothers, nursing is just not an option. I knew that I wanted to do everything I could to make it happen, because I am a tenacious mom, after all. I found the most important things were to rest and eat. I also gave myself eighteen months to get in shape instead of nine. I knew that if I was worried about getting back to being my pre-pregnancy weight as soon as possible, I would not be able to nurse each kid for a year and a half each. Nursing has so many benefits to the baby and the mother that I prioritized it over looking like my old bad self. In this way and many more, I prioritized taking care of my children ahead of my career. It’s no wonder that American mothers nurse for an average of six weeks–that’s the typical maternity leave period. My friend Mekiva nursed for a year while working, but that is not typical. She is a very tenacious mom, and my cowgirl hat is off to her.
10. Be honest but kind and gentle with your spouse in front of your kids. And when you are alone together.
Being pregnant, giving birth, and taking care of a new baby brings with it a level of exhaustion that I have never experienced before. It is easy to take out my frustration on the other adult in the room. Staying loving poses quite a challenge. Sometimes, I get so upset I feel like I’m spitting my iced tea as I speak. But I have noticed that if I get mad, the baby gets upset and the the toddler gets mad toward the person I am addressing, and that is spillover that is not fair to anyone. Also, have you noticed that your spouse shuts down when you act like that? As someone who is learning the hard way, try the kind and gentle approach. At least at first (I like myself more when I am like that anyway). I bet your spouse–or whoever is there by your side helping you through this one day at a time–is trying his or her best, too. Hang in there, ask for help, and receive it. We are tenacious moms. Let us help each other.
When I was preparing to give birth the first time, I remember reading that when a contraction comes, don’t fight it. Ride it. Go with it, relax into it, feel it, and let it pass. Before the birth of my third child, I was reminded of that lesson. Breathe. Surrender to the pain. Feel it and let it pass (I can already hear my screams during labor–I didn’t say it was going to be a joy ride, y’all). With pregnancy, with labor and delivery, with taking care of our children. Breathe. Relax into it. Be present. And isn’t that good advice for our lives? You’ve made the choice to be here anyway. You might as well surrender to it and make the most of it. The pain will pass and the joy you’ll remember for the rest of your life. All the best to you as you write and sing your own song!