What is it like to go through divorce as a mom?  Probably different for every person.  But for me, it feels like I’m a rushing worm or a rushing slug.  I’m moving as fast as I can, but I can only go so fast.  I want this to just be over already, but the process inherently takes a long time.  It’s like being pregnant in the sense of it being a waiting game, and also feeling like you are not in control.  You wish you could just come in front of God, plead your case, and just be done with it, but no.  You are trying to persuade people who are not God to do the right thing, including yourself.  And it’s like giving birth, in the sense of being so painful.  Maybe like a c-section, except they’re getting your heart and your sanity.  You want it to be a natural birth.  You want to just let it be.  Let nature take its course.  But it hurts!  And what about this is natural?

And then you understand those lunatics on Black Friday trying to get their stuff.  Some are legitimately insane, but I have a new empathy for the moms in the crowd.  Some just want to get the best for their kids.  Let me just say that again.  They want the best for their kids.  I don’t care about toys or couches we chose together or boats or sports cars, but don’t get between me and what I think is best for our kids.  I will. . . move very slowly toward my goals, ruuusshing in sloooowww motiiooon and I guarantee no matter what happens, I will out-pray you every inch of the way.

I am reading The Mother’s Rule and Hardball for Women but not really.  I am reading with only half my mind and half my heart because the other half is in this interminable process.  I am going to Bible study, but basically just with my feet.  I mean, I’m engaged, I’m responding to people, but I’m also carrying this weight that few can understand.  I am responding in loving ways to my kids, but my heart is sad.

So I think about the movie Turbo and the super-charged slug.  What will turbo-charge this slug?  Love?  So, if I don’t worry, and just love. . . what the heck does that even mean?  Maybe:  I communicate with love.  I express my core interests in a calm manner.  I express the interests of the kids in a calm manner.  I breathe.  It’s like the birthing process. The birthing of a settlement, and I’m in transition.  Remember transition?  The point in the birthing process when you thought you were going to die?  I think everything that I’ve worked so hard to get is just going to die, but that’s not true.  Birth is just around the corner.  Something good will come of this, we just don’t know what it is yet.  Trust. Trusting God that His will be done, in His time.

P.S. As much as I hate to say it, maybe the turbo charge is Gratitude.  Yes, I am grateful to the other person and to God.  For the good in the past, in the present, and in the future.  Grateful for the blessings that came before, that are in my life now, and those that will grow into fruition with time!