When I was in Houston, right after the youngest child was baptized, every time we came up for communion for the first 40 days, we would carry a candle. With three kids holding candles so many times, it was a miracle we didn’t set someone’s hair on fire. Even though it was a lot, it made me so happy to do that all together.

now, I am the only one who consistently goes to church. And today, I woke up exhausted, so I live-streamed a few online services and had hazelnut cereal with milk, blueberries, and a banana. Thankfully, we have another service at our church tomorrow morning, so I pray I have the strength and stamina to attend that one.

sometimes, I feel so sad that our situation is so different from the version I have of what a family should be. I don’t have the version of myself trying to drag the kids from the house, their steely grip on each of their electronics, holding tight to their comforts, not surrendering to what is good for them but instead pacifying themselves with games. Nope, that’s not what I imagined ten years ago. And yet, here we are. Church has sustained me through my mother’s passing, but it feels like the kids don’t see the benefit for them. I think I need to really ask myself what they really need from me. Do they need someone who is constantly fighting with them over whether or not they are going to church? Or would they benefit from my prayers in church even as they are playing at home? As the only adult, it’s tough to force three older kids to do something they don’t want to do. So then I am the lone representative of my family at the service. And that’s profoundly sad to me. But I am also grateful I get the chance to worship, alone or otherwise. For now, I pray for perseverance and I pray for God to give the kids a desire to draw close to Him. Holy Spirit, please move in their hearts and give the kids a desire to know you better. Thank you for giving me a strong faith throughout this time. I know it’s a gift!!