My grandpa passed away in Ukraine this week, and I’ve been thinking about what a wonderful man he was. An engineer, he was logical, thinking through problems step-by-step. My mom says that she would present a life problem to him and by the next morning, he had come up with the perfect solution. He was logical but not blunt. Dedushka was logical and diplomatic.
We moved away from Ukraine when I was eight, and the last time I saw him was before I had kids. I remember him most from the perspective of a child. He joyfully taught me how to ride a bike. I remember that he always picked me up from school on time. Astonishingly, he Never yelled at us kids. I mean, never. He yelled at adults, but never kids. That’s amazing to me. I never felt judged. He loved rules and he followed them, and I am sure we must have broken some of them. Yet, not one time did he raise his voice. That’s something to aspire to. He knew whom to yell at, and it was never the kids.
He was tough. One time when we were walking home from school, it was icy, and he fell down. He hurt his hip. Praying for him was the first time I remember praying for anyone. Encouragingly for me, he was able to make a recovery. Intense pain didn’t faze him. When he was a young soldier, he was captured by the Germans and survived Dachau. Talk about tenacity, perseverance, strong body, and strong mind. I would have never guessed that he had gone through something like that from his demeanor. He had a temper but to us kids, he was always kind. I mean always. Dyakuyu, dedushka. I am amazed by you all over again just by writing about you.
Sometimes I think a blessing of someone’s passing is that we remember what was so good about them, and it helps us in this life. My grandfather’s ability to respect and love his grandchildren is an example to me. The kindness of a gentle silence. It’s something for me to think about as a mom, to carry with me during the day now.
In the past 12 months, we lost a lot of really good people. Some humble like my grandpa. Some famous like Prince. Of course I wish that my grandpa could have lived forever, and I would have loved for Prince to be around still. But they did give us a final gift when they passed. In April, probably the hardest month for me personally in the past year, I found great comfort in blasting “Purple Rain” all over Houston. After the election, I am sure I was not the only one listening to Leonard Cohen medleys on repeat. That catharsis was exactly what we needed. When George Michael passed (darn it, I still can’t believe it), I heard “Faith” everywhere I went. For this new year, we gotta have faith despite circumstances. And then Princess Leia. “Take your broken heart. Make it into art.” I don’t particularly feel like Yee-haw, it’s 2017, but I think of that steady kindness of my grandpa. No matter how I may feel, to try to be kind. Like music, kindness is a universal language. No matter what horrific stuff we’ve all been through, to try to be kind nonetheless.
Last week, I read the book Year of Yes by Shondra Rhimes, happily alive and celebrating her birthday today. I think based on the gravity of the events we went through the past year, a year of saying Yes! to love, to challenges, to what we fear, to saying no when necessary, and to loving ourselves may be the ticket. To being ourselves while trying to take the best of others and incorporate it into our lives in an authentic way. In a way that makes sense to us. In the past year, some dreams have died. And now, it is time for new dreams. New dreams born out of a kindness to our selves, not judgement. Born out of the same spirit that my grandpa had, a spirit of finding solutions in a logical way while staying loving. Finding solutions while not judging others. Wow. That’s what I want to do.
Have fun with Baba Nina, Dedushka! Thank you for being a great grandpa.
P.S. I found this photo and thought, oh I have so much time left. But if we let ourselves think about this question, then, our most hoped-for dreams come to the surface. The truth is, no one knows how much time we have left. Why not live life with kindness and hope now?