Like many of you, I’ve been struggling after the devastating mass shootings last weekend. I kind of cycle through fear, sadness, anger, hopelessness, and feeling like somehow we have to pull together. Pull together as an individual, as a family, as a community, and as a nation.

Feelings are so strong that it’s hard to think clearly sometimes, hard to keep focused on goals. I think okay I am fine now and then suddenly I am not. On the surface, I have gone to all my dentist, wellness check, and other appointments with the kids. Many absolutely wonderful things have happened this week, including meeting the precious babies of my coworkers and just loving being with my friends and family. Trying to “soak it up,” as my principal said. But I also wanted to be honest with you about how I just want to stay home with my kids and process what just happened last weekend. Or not process. Just be at home with my kids.

I don’t want to be the angry/crazy mom and teacher. I kinda went to a dance class on Wednesday and all my dance moves were angry. Angry shimmy, angry hip circles, angry salsa. Dance is supposed to be this liberating thing and all I could think was

How could these people do that? How could this happen in America?

The victims literally did nothing wrong. They were just shopping or hanging out with friends. Isn’t that what we’ve all been doing the past weekend? They didn’t speak out about something and get targeted. They were just living their lives, man. They were just living.

So why not speak out? I am definitely voting for common sense gun reform (reading this post because you wanted some positivity and encouragement? Good. I am positive we need common sense gun reform). I am also positive that now more than ever we need to be kind to people in all different skin colors cuz we clearly all bleed red. We’re people. It doesn’t matter where you are from or who your parents are. We all need kindness. We all need people who smile at us when they see us and acknowledge our existence. I teach people from all over the world. That is my privilege. I get to be their safe space. I get to smile at them and hug them and tell them they all bring gifts into this world and we are here as teachers to help them develop themselves as students and as people.

Sure, I want to stay home and binge watch shows and maybe emerge to get a smoothie once in awhile. And that’s okay. It’s okay to feel what I feel. But what do I choose to do with those feelings?

Do I freak out or do I engage with kindness? Maybe both, let’s be honest. But I pray today that I can and do engage. Be deliberately kind to people. I am sorry if I wasn’t kind and I hurt you. Please tell me how I can make it right. And also, will you join me in being deliberately kind? To all people from all walks of life? We never know how we can impact someone. And in being honest and trying our best to be kind, maybe we can pull ourselves out of this darkness as a country. Together.