Let’s face it, ladies and gents. Gone are the days of all-night studying or working without any interruptions, traveling at a moments notice, and getting lost at a library or bookstore for hours (unless it’s your first go at Storytime. Don’t panic. Just listen for the “Itsy Bitsy Spider”). We no longer get to decide when our extracurricular activities end. There’s one activity that’s ceaseless, and it’s called being a parent. And yet, there may come a time when we need to study and/or work outside the home. So, how in the world are we going to do that? “Holy Crab!” as my son says, we have to figure out a plan. Let me share some lessons from trying different strategies all with the same goal—get the work done while loving our kids.
- Become a baton-twirling gymnast by bringing your child to work or school.
When Sasha was still a baby, I listened to the suggestion of my very understanding and flexible professor (who did not have kids yet). I brought Sasha to my first day of being a research assistant. In my previous life of a student without kids, I remember my rousing comment to a different teacher. “Why can’t one bring his or her child to class?” And she smiled and replied, “Oh, you’re going to have a quiet child, are you?” Well, the day I brought Sashenka to work felt like I was attending an academic seminar and baton twirling at the same time. Getting up and engaging Sasha in some exciting acrobatics was the only way for her to be quiet as we discussed exactly why certain interventions for children with ADHD worked better than others. Try making an erudite comment while your beautiful, smiling child kicks you in the face. When it was all over, the professor said, “I think that went really well.” And she’s right in the sense that Sasha was basically quiet the whole time. But I also put on quite a little gymnastic performance, realizing how much work it took to have a “quiet” child. Not a daily occurrence for the six research assistants in the room, I’m sure, and doubtless it took an extra dose of concentration and control to focus on ADHD. Another new experience for me. And as I pulled out of parking lot, I looked back and saw Sasha happily asleep.
- Win the relay race by passing the baton.
After a baton-twirling session, you realize you have to get some help. Seriously. . . let go of the baton, girl. Make use of your partner or other teammates. It could be your spouse, your mom, a babysitter, a Day School or all of the above. We have to make the most of our resources. I want to take this opportunity to thank my friend Julie, a retired nurse, who took care of Sasha when I studied and worked. Thank you so much for taking her to make necklaces, skip rocks in streams, make castles at the children’s center on the Monticello-Saunders trail, and so much more. You were (and are) a godsend. Thank you for how much love you poured into my children. Thank you also to the other terrific babysitters who have been so caring and have helped me stay myself. I also loved the Montessori school for its kid-empowerment and belief in spending time outside, its thoughtful lessons and kind instructors. Now, I like the preschool my kid attends, how it nurtures the children in a play-focused classroom. Thank you! As I write this, I think, I really should use babysitters more now even as a stay-at-home mom. But it’s hard to let go of the baton. I understand. Yet we all need to feel liberated once in a while.
- Once you have had some time to yourself, then you can really treasure your little people.
You can take the time—the quality time—you have with your kids and let them know how special they are, how much you love them, how you are so proud of the effort they are putting into their studies, their sculpture class, their swimming lesson, whatever. To do this consistently (to love this way when I’m interacting with my kids), I really do need some time to myself. If I am starting to look like Fury from Inside Out, it is definitely my turn to take a walk. I can step away from the situation to cool down, go outside for a walk, or take a scenic drive. Taking a deep breath in order to love, choosing to be the kind of person I would want my kids to become.
- Master the balance beam or what I’d like to call the “balance your nursing baby in your lap as you read/type” move.
Every mom who has made the commitment to nurse needs to tackle the elephant in the room—how am I going to keep nursing when I have to be away from my baby (or have so much work to do at home)? You can consult your network and be honest and loving toward yourself. If you are not okay with the arrangement, no one else will be. I would talk to your local La Leche League, your mom friends, and your pediatrician. If you are going to be away for a while, you’re going to need a good pump (some hospitals rent them out). Pumping is difficult on many levels, but a good electric pump at least feels like you are getting as much milk out as you can. It’s really a woman’s call. For me, I needed to be in the presence of my baby to nurse or pump. Nursing Andy while reading or typing was my signature move. That’s how I was able to finish finals and still keep nursing.
And I know that some kids would not be okay with mommy not having her attention 100% on them. Thanks, little Andy. You are a good eater and sleeper. I will always appreciate that. I would not have heard Katie Couric speak at commencement had you not been such a good sport and let me finish my Master’s Degree. Thanks, buddy.
- Listen to your body. If you’re tired, go to sleep early.
Yes, I got my degree, but not by working myself into the ground. You’ve heard of athlete waking up early to practice. I used that in my life. I made the most of the “go to sleep with your kids and wake up at 4am to do your work” strategy. This way, I still got enough sleep and finished my work on time.
- Tackle assignments as soon as you get them, like you are a Judo Master with a family.
This is something I learned in graduate school. Engage with your assignments immediately to make a schedule of how you’re going to complete them. Or just complete the work right then and there!
- If you miss a shot or drop the ball, don’t think the game is over.
No, a basketball player who missed a shot wouldn’t sit down on the court and keep crying over how it’s all pointless anyway and she doesn’t know why she even tries (not that I have any experience with that). She would cry it out and then try to get the rebound. She would try again, ladies. And so, like those weird but intriguing Facebook posts, let’s “be like” the basketball player. Let’s review the play, learn from it, and try the shot again. Practice makes perfect. Learn from your mistakes and move on. It’s a long game. If you’re still breathing, you can try again.
Let me stay on this point a little longer. You are going to drop the ball. It’s just going to happen. Having kids is more than enough and when you add school and/or work, something is going to go awry. I remember one time I left a testing kit in the car. . . that I had left in an airport parking lot as I flew from Virginia to Texas. Some wonderful soul had to pick up said testing kit. But I was also able to cover for people when they needed me on numerous occasions, and that’s what coworkers are supposed to do for each other. Help one another. I have been very fortunate—I have had great teachers and great coworkers, and I thank them so much.
- Take time to walk and pray.
Many athletes take time to meditate. I like a walking meditation myself, especially somewhere scenic. This seems counter-intuitive because there’s always so much to do! But I remember hearing that Mother Teresa prayed for an hour and a half every morning before starting her workday. Do I have more to do than Mother Teresa? Is my work more important? In order to do my work well, I need time to recharge. Whatever healthy way helps you refuel, do it!
- Speaking of fueling, let’s talk food.
Athletes are very conscious of what they eat. As moms, especially if you’re nursing, you have to pay a lot of attention to what you are consuming. You have to think about eating in a way that gives your baby the nutrients he or she needs. So take time to think about and plan what you are going to put in your mouth. As someone who has eaten way too many Sbarro spinach calzones (which were delicious, in case you were wondering), I know how hard this is. To really think about what foods make you happy and energized and which ones ironically drag you down even though you may want them so much. This is a concern for me now. I did a detox this summer that removed gluten, and I felt like I had so much more energy. The problem is, I love bread and pizza. I could move to Italy and unabashedly try every form of pasta and pizza known to man (actually, I have been to Italy with my sister and she may think that I have already accomplished my goal). But I also know that I feel tired after eating stuff with gluten. I don’t know why and I hate that I’m jumping on something that feels like a fad, but I have to face it. I feel better when I’m eating mostly fruits, veggies, lamb, beef, and rice, and drinking lots of water. Which foods make you feel your best? Listen, being a working/studying parent is really tiring, and you’re going to need every ounce of energy you have. Will you consider living dangerously? I mean—eating in a way that will help you accomplish things that even you never dreamed possible? It sounds outlandish, but athletes think about what they eat for a reason—they want to perform at the highest level. And don’t we want to be the best parents, the best students, the best workers we can be? Why not eat to be the best we can be?
- What if your best doesn’t get a medal?
You gave up gluten but didn’t achieve the desired result. The work is not getting done. Or, you’re doing an excellent job and your boss thinks you are Every Woman, It’s All In You! But you are heartsick because you want to be home with your kids. We have to be honest with ourselves. Maybe we really wanted to be a boss, but then we missed our kids too much. Maybe we thought we wanted to be home all the time and then realized no, we still have a lot to give to the workplace. Or maybe circumstances changed and we can’t afford to be at home any more. Whatever the situation, transition is always hard, but you have to face reality. Reach out to your teammates. Ask for help or advice or support or whatever you need. Chances are, your fellow parents—your life-long colleagues—have a lot of wisdom to share. Let’s learn from each other and boldly move forward in the direction that makes sense for us! God Bless!
I’ll see You at the finish line!