Grant me the ability to be alone. May it be my custom to go outdoors each day among the trees and grasses among all growing things and there may I be alone, and enter into prayer to talk with the one that I belong to.
— Nachman of Breslov
It is true that most moms aren’t alone much. This week, my older two will be traveling with their baba, so I will only have Mitya. There is more of a possibility to be on my own. Not like a monastic retreat, but better than being invaded by the Mongolian horde every day.
When I invite people who don’t have three kids to spend time with mine, they can get frustrated and tired (and I’m not talking about the kids). I understand. It’s a lot. “I don’t know how you do it” I heard yesterday. At church today, a mom was telling me about a great cocktail she made yesterday, “Otherwise you go crazy!” It reminds me of when a friend who doesn’t have children yet came over and after about two hours was like, “Isn’t it bedtime now?” It was 5pm.
What is the point of today’s post? I think it’s for the single moms out there or moms who feel like single moms. You had this life in mind that involved two parents taking care of the beautiful people you both created. And then it was mostly just you taking care of them. Maybe you want to find a partner in crime (partner in joy? Partner in trying to survive the evening?). But this poor soul has to deal with three kids who aren’t his. Kids who have mixed feelings about the whole thing. Kids who aren’t used to having a dude around. Kids who miss their “real dad.” And a wounded woman who has mixed feelings, too. It would just be so much easier for my pride not to even try. I could just be on my own forever, blasting my music and making up Zumba dances for the kids that we could then perform on the downtown mall (not really, but it would be fun).
I think it’s important when I am with Mitya this week to spend time outside with the birds and the trees and mourn the life I had while also accepting the difficulties inherent in the present. Acceptance-with-Joy, like with the book Hinds’ Feet on High Places. In this book, Much-Afraid (similar to me) travels with the Shepherd and her two companions, Suffering and Sorrow. With their help and her sacrifice and perseverance, she gets to where she wanted to go. But it’s hard and she wants to give up sometimes. It’s not a straight path. Sometimes the path feels like it’s going away from her destination. Yet, she trusts that the Shepherd will keep his word, and she doesn’t give up. She is tenacious.
Life is a journey, we are told over and over. It’s not easy, but the reward is sweet. God, help me not to give in to Pride, Bitterness, Resentment, Fear or Self-Pity. I need your supernatural assistance because the temptation to succumb is too great.
Just now, Andy came in with cut outs of animals he had drawn: a wolf, a cat, an alligator, and a rabbit. Earlier today, he was drumming on a table, remembering the rhythms from his African Drumming class. Yesterday, he was driving me crazy. I felt frustrated because a friend was there to witness it. Today, Andy has been creating cool things all day. That’s just one kid. Praise God, I have three of them, and each one is creative in his or her own way. They have innumerable ways to annoy and delight. To enjoy the delightful moments, I have to weather the difficult ones.
Maybe in finding more solitary time, I might find strength for when all three kiddos are together again to help them navigate this river of life together. They are really cool kids. I need alone time to remember that. I know I will miss them so much.
